This year has been a bit fucked up for me to say the least. I mean, don't get me wrong, a lot of GOOD has happened- made it to 1.5 years of sobriety (even though that came crashing down around my ankles a couple months later), went on medication, which helped me out a bit, got a PS3, learned how to drive a bit, got a tortoise and a hamster (tortoise is my parents', hammy is all mine :3), got a brand new iPhone, ran 8.5 miles this month, got a new guitar...
But this year has also been notorious for personal regression, setbacks, etc.
Was hospitalized for essentially a nervous breakdown, went on medical leave and had to quit my job, relapsed in self-harm. ODed on prescription meds and OTC meds, attempted suicide multiple times, started smoking a lot more, started generally abusing drugs a lot more, relapsed with alcohol, ended up drinking mouthwash again because I couldn't get ahold of anything else, had people harass me and had a "friend" send my boyfriend and I death threats, I've been pretty much either sedentary or bedridden all year again, and recently I have been having severe neurological issues.
I started running last week, and it's been amazing. I can't believe I've ran almost 10 miles in a week, I really can't. I love my new hamster. She's a doll, and I feel like my life has a bit of meaning again now. I've thought about going out and getting my learner's permit, going and getting another job, but it's all so complicated. I have to rely so heavily on my parents for these things, and they're fucking unpredictable. I'm even getting low on food- soon I'll have to either survive off whatever canned goods I can scrounge up, or start eating bologna sandwiches- which is all my stepdad ever buys. Baloney. To make lunch for himself every day. I'm even running out of ramen.
I work in the family business for about the rate of $2/hr give or take a bit, and I constantly get told how much of a burden it is to pay me. $50-$100 a month. I know I'm only running ads for their business and reading up on the legal work, but hell, sometimes that's a lot of work. Not to mention I clean up after 5 pets that are technically not mine. My hamster is mine. All the other pets are "the family pets", but I get to take care of them. I'm not complaining, I just feel like doing a lot of hard work deserves money when you PROMISE you'll pay me. Because they do. Every month. And then they complain about how it's too much. Every month. How feeding me is "so expensive" (um my food costs run about $30-$50 a month, are you for real? That's not even $2 a day at max.)
I have to hope they will be willing to buy me toiletries, or hope that I have enough money to pay for them myself. And I always hear how my meds are too expensive (even the vital ones. Like my inhaler, which is almost certainly expired by now.) how my doctor's visits are too expensive.
I finally FIGHT for them to take me on runs, and tonight, I get to hear "I can't be worrying about all this extra stuff anymore"
Extra. The one thing I ever ask of you, the one thing keeping me from being EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, sedentary, house-bound for all eternity, and suddenly you can't even give me that, because apparently living a halfways feasible life is TOO DAMN MUCH for me to ask of you.
I asked my stepdad if my life even mattered to him, and he just shrugged it off. My mom is thoroughly convinced that I should not get a job, go anywhere by myself, have friends, or anything remotely close to what a normal seventeen- almost eighteen year old should be able to do.
I've got just a few months left, and I'll be 18, but that terrifies me. I am so far removed from "being ready" for it. Part of me just wants to get kicked out by my parents so I won't have a choice- part of me seriously thinks I'll do a hell of a lot better on my own. (With my boyfriend, technically, but I'm sure I'll have to get a job or something. I'll have to pull my weight too.)
I just feel like I'm suffocating. Everything in my life, aside from my relationship, is going seriously wrong. I got rejected again this year- I'll have to do senior year a third time. But guess what?
The school isn't sending my materials because my stepdad won't pay them. I'll most likely have to drop out if this continues. I seriously can't take this anymore.
But this year has also been notorious for personal regression, setbacks, etc.
Was hospitalized for essentially a nervous breakdown, went on medical leave and had to quit my job, relapsed in self-harm. ODed on prescription meds and OTC meds, attempted suicide multiple times, started smoking a lot more, started generally abusing drugs a lot more, relapsed with alcohol, ended up drinking mouthwash again because I couldn't get ahold of anything else, had people harass me and had a "friend" send my boyfriend and I death threats, I've been pretty much either sedentary or bedridden all year again, and recently I have been having severe neurological issues.
I started running last week, and it's been amazing. I can't believe I've ran almost 10 miles in a week, I really can't. I love my new hamster. She's a doll, and I feel like my life has a bit of meaning again now. I've thought about going out and getting my learner's permit, going and getting another job, but it's all so complicated. I have to rely so heavily on my parents for these things, and they're fucking unpredictable. I'm even getting low on food- soon I'll have to either survive off whatever canned goods I can scrounge up, or start eating bologna sandwiches- which is all my stepdad ever buys. Baloney. To make lunch for himself every day. I'm even running out of ramen.
I work in the family business for about the rate of $2/hr give or take a bit, and I constantly get told how much of a burden it is to pay me. $50-$100 a month. I know I'm only running ads for their business and reading up on the legal work, but hell, sometimes that's a lot of work. Not to mention I clean up after 5 pets that are technically not mine. My hamster is mine. All the other pets are "the family pets", but I get to take care of them. I'm not complaining, I just feel like doing a lot of hard work deserves money when you PROMISE you'll pay me. Because they do. Every month. And then they complain about how it's too much. Every month. How feeding me is "so expensive" (um my food costs run about $30-$50 a month, are you for real? That's not even $2 a day at max.)
I have to hope they will be willing to buy me toiletries, or hope that I have enough money to pay for them myself. And I always hear how my meds are too expensive (even the vital ones. Like my inhaler, which is almost certainly expired by now.) how my doctor's visits are too expensive.
I finally FIGHT for them to take me on runs, and tonight, I get to hear "I can't be worrying about all this extra stuff anymore"
Extra. The one thing I ever ask of you, the one thing keeping me from being EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, sedentary, house-bound for all eternity, and suddenly you can't even give me that, because apparently living a halfways feasible life is TOO DAMN MUCH for me to ask of you.
I asked my stepdad if my life even mattered to him, and he just shrugged it off. My mom is thoroughly convinced that I should not get a job, go anywhere by myself, have friends, or anything remotely close to what a normal seventeen- almost eighteen year old should be able to do.
I've got just a few months left, and I'll be 18, but that terrifies me. I am so far removed from "being ready" for it. Part of me just wants to get kicked out by my parents so I won't have a choice- part of me seriously thinks I'll do a hell of a lot better on my own. (With my boyfriend, technically, but I'm sure I'll have to get a job or something. I'll have to pull my weight too.)
I just feel like I'm suffocating. Everything in my life, aside from my relationship, is going seriously wrong. I got rejected again this year- I'll have to do senior year a third time. But guess what?
The school isn't sending my materials because my stepdad won't pay them. I'll most likely have to drop out if this continues. I seriously can't take this anymore.