How did I end up here? I asked myself that a lot these days and, as recent events went to show, I hadn't had the best grasp on my situation. I'd been confused and depressed for the past week, or the past year depending on how you looked at things. I had been a made man, at least for a few weeks. I had gone from having everything anyone could ever want to flushing out my sorrows with coping methods that my therapist most likely wouldn't approve of. She had left me. Part of me told myself to be happy for her and that our relationship wouldn't have worked out in the long run, another part of me told me that was crap and that she had left me out of convenience's sake, and yet another part told me it was best not to think about it. Much like before all this, I had learned not to trust any of them. Things hadn't exactly been going swimmingly but I still felt terrible. I felt angry, lied to, and used but most of all I felt depressed. Here's how everything went down. We didn't get to see each other that often so we usually spent time two or three days together a month if we were lucky. The one day we got to spend together this month she had the brilliant idea of going to her ex's house. I wanted to be close to her and actually talk without it being awkward and so I tried, she hated me for it. In her eyes I was the absolutely fucking horrible one, and I'm not saying that I wasn't in the wrong because I definitely was. All I'm saying is that she was as much in the wrong as I was, wanting to spend our rare quality time together at her ex's house. So then she hated me for a few days. Then came the break. She said she wanted to take a break, so I assumed she was trying to tell me she didn't want to see me any more in a nice way which was what I always had done with my exes. I broke down and begged her and said I was sorry and that I wanted nothing more than to fix things. She told me she didn't want to talk. So after a few days of the break she texted me. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. She said she loves somebody else, her ex whom we visited on our last day together. She said she still loves me, which I think we all know is bullshit because if she did she would still be with me. She said she couldn't handle not seeing me so often which, quite frankly, is an illogical reason to say she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. So here I am now crying myself to sleep and knowing that pretty soon they'd be happy as can be without a care in the world about me. Just like me and her once were. "Buddha had it all figured out. Life is the biggest con. Just when you think you've learned who everyone really is and you have all the angles played the truth is revealed." Looking back, the signs were all there. Her constant show of affection towards him right in front of me, whom she was quite frankly ignoring. Her lack of ambition to comfort and be there for me, no matter how much she tried to convince she had. The fact that I was number 22 to her, another disposable relationship that she tries to make me believe was so different from all the others. So it looks like I'd become the stooge all along. The bad joke. The person you see then whisper to your neighbor "What a mess." I thought she would be different, that she saw in me what everyone else misses. I thought she was my final savior from the endless pain I had endured for the past, and now was going to endure for many more only amplified. In the end the only positive was that once upon a time I had ruled the world, if only for a day.
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