I don't know how to not hold a grudge. It's led me to becoming way too serious, and I can't seem to relax and not worry. It's unfortunately a trait that runs deeply in my family (both sides), and of course I've gotten it. So I just...I don't know. I've embraced it, not because I want to but because I can't do anything to stop it. I don't know what to do, and I feel like I've lost my purpose. I feel like I've lost who I am. And now, I feel like I have to find it again. But I don't want that to be my purpose. I don't want to spend my life looking for who I am. My defense mechanism has always been isolation. When shit gets rough, I isolate myself from the world. That's why you and lots of others don't see me around Beaumont as much. I feel to insecure outside, I'm always worrying, worrying, worrying. But people...people just make the worry worse. How? By feeding, nuturing, and caring for it. By insulting me on a daily basis. It's became such a problem that people do it while I'm in my house. When I'm taking a shower, someone's listening or watching. When I'm taking a shit, someone's listening or watching. When I'm getting food, someone's watching. When I'm on the computer, someone's watching (like they have been tonight and yesterday). It's so...ugh! And they're all either older or younger than me. I just feel like locking myself up in the ground, where no one can hear me. Where no one can see me. TBH, that's what I'm really hurting about (and I've only told a select few people about this). Everyday, people look through my window or listen in on what I'm saying. Nothing I do, nothing I say works. They always find a way to strike back, and it's so annoying. My ears hurt, my head hurts from all their taunts. I feel like a migraine is going to come any second now. And I can't sleep at night, and it's so annoying. I just feel like crying sometimes. I've actually wanted to kill myself a couple of times. I just couldn't though, I didn't have the heart to do it. I feel like I've been back into a corner and blinded so I can't see who is backing me into said corner. I feel helpless, even my Mom thinks I'm crazy. I know there are dude. Someone banged their hand on my window a fortnight (two weeks) ago as hard as they could. It seemed to me they were trying to break the window. So I know I'm not crazy, I know I'm not insane. But I don't want to assess the problem. I'm too afraid of the risk, and to be honest I fear them. I fear that, one day someone's going to, with the intel they have gathered, kill me. I can't help but worry about what they may do, and it's killing me. I just want it to stop. I can't deal with this anymore. I've tried to, since the day it began (about 12 weeks ago) and when I lash out they do so back. They have no respect for my privacy it's just sickening, and I can't do anything about it because I'm afraid. They're strategy is simple but it's effective: insult me while my Mom and Grandma are gone and they'll never get caught. It's so frustrating because I can't just dash out there and beat them to a pulp. And I can't call the police either because I can't identify who they are. They'd think I'm crazy if I told them this without sufficient evidence. And I know they're out there too. I know they've listened in before. When I rant: I'm mean. When I'm talking to myself: I'm either weird or crazy or stupid. As I said, I've tried everything: I've tried ignoring them, I've tried shrugging it off, I've tried assessing the problem, I've tried everything. And still, no results. It's absolutely annoying how nothing works, and I've tried being as nice as possible and they still call me mean. I've tried it ALL. And nada, zip, zero, zilch, nai, non, nyet. I feel so helpless....
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