Found this gem on 442 written by one of the best trolls ever to have lived.
I'm always interested in progressing the future of Australian football for our children's sake. For too long there has been a proliferation of impractical & unrealistic advice given in regards to rising through the ranks of the local football scene & making that break to the top flight.
I'd love to see the good people on this site play in the A-League one day!!! So a guide has been provided to me from those in the know in the Australian football scene & now I am sharing it with you. Hope it helps with your & your families dreams......
==================================
You are a pitiful waste of life who has never achieved anything worth mentioning. You are living proof that god isnt perfect because he created you. You are the physical form of failure. You reek of disappointment. And you sweat pure shame. Congratulations, you are every soccer dad ever. What a better thing to do than heap your crushed hopes and broken dreams of stardom onto your ugly child so he too can follow in your footsteps of failing. Yes, you have gone about to enrol your child into the local soccer team, in hopes that he will achieve what you were too incompetent of doing; becoming a semi-famous Australian football player. Good for you! There is nothing more rewarding than being a footballer. Fans make songs about you being a paedophile, tabloid magazines use hidden cameras to find you at your weakest just to exploit it for sales, and eventually, youll be forced to retire in your late 20s because of a basic knee injury that will curse you to walk around with a limp for the rest of your pathetic life.
Unfortunately, for your son to make it in the football world, its going to require more than him to train hard and keep his head down to make it in the business. Luckily, as the a-league proves, talent is optional to become a professional footballer, so this article will have some basic steps to get your child closer to your goal. Firstly though, here are some things that wont help your son get there, despite common perception.
Dont sign your child up for Coerver training. Look, the moment you sign up for Coerver, you dont become more attractive to rep squads; you become attractive to pyramid scheme merchants because they know that youre an idiot who is willing to throw away $500 on a two-week training course that teaches you how to do stepovers. As soon as that cheque at Coerver clears, your letterbox is literally filled with sweepstake newsletters, nutrimetics reselling opportunities and mail from various members of the Nigerian royal family.
If you want to help your child, get him some steroids. As everyone knows, I am keen endorser of steroids because of their unmatched awesomeness, but they can also help kick-start any flagging career.
Fact: Lionel Messi used steroids.
Fact: Adam Hardy did not use steroids.
Fact: You had to google that name just then.
Fact: All your counter arguments have been destroyed.
Dont you want your childs name to be held in the same esteem as FIFAs World Player of the Year Lionel Messi? Or other noted steroid users such as 7-time MLB MVP Barry Bonds, or Canadas favourite son Chris Benoit?
However, you cant just shoot `roids directly into your veins. Thatd be cheating. You need to justify it. Well, Mr. Messi justified his steroid use on his underdeveloped height. So if your child ever gets busted, you can simply say that you wanted to counter the effects of your wife smoking during the pregnancy. Or that you wanted your son to be able to ride all the rides at the Easter Show. Or that you thought there wouldnt be much work as a hobbits stunt double now that The Lord of The Rings saga has finished. Besides, chances are youll get away with it as the side effects of steroids are mood swings, mass acne and voice breakage, so everyone will simply confuse his body changes as part of puberty anyways. Unless someone starts questioning your childs 30-inch biceps, in which case, you can report him for stranger danger since hes checking out your boys body.
While were on the topic of what not to do, dont let your child idolise foreigners; in particular, South Americans. This is convict country. We like our wogs beaten, our bread spread with yeast extract and our soccer players as creative as tribal tramp stamps. Let your son idolise someone they can realistically emulate, such as Jamie Coyne. Jamie has been called attractive more times than he has completed passes yet that hasnt stopped him from racking up a decade in professional football. He has a phobia of marking his man, an allergy to timing his tackle and a fetish for making the crowd chant unmentionable things about his mother. Yet he knows what its like to be paid to kick a football incorrectly. He is a great role model for any aspiring youngster as he lets children know that there are plenty of people out there who are willing to settle and be content with mediocrity. See Megan Gales relationship with Andy Lee for more info.
Now lets move on and discuss what WILL get your son knocking on the door of professional football.
One of the biggest handicaps I had to encounter when trying out for the local rep side was finding out that I didnt share the same surname as any of the coaches. If you want your child to make it anywhere in this game, you better figure out a way to get involved in a rep squads coaching staff. That way, even if your son is cursed to be skilfully-impaired, you can drag him along to wherever your equally incompetent butt ends up, ala Steve McMahon w/ Stevie Jr or Branko Culina w/ Damon and so on. How do you get a gig in coaching? I dont know! This is a guide on how to get a professional contract, not a guide on how to get a coaching gig. Although, I can only suggest that speaking with a slurred accent on The World Game will boost your chances. Isnt that right Branko, Miron, Francis?
However, if its too late for you to work up the ranks in the coaching world, remember, making a generous donation to a sporting club is a great way for selectors to suddenly realise that your son has talent. Why do you think state league soccer sucks? Because every club has to accept a lot of these donations to stay afloat. This brings with it the unwritten obligation to play these donors untalented next of kin, which makes every state league game look like a Max Vieri imitation convention.
Okay, so the fall of Wall Street has made the above venture unviable for you. Well, something slightly less immoral you could do is pretend your son is an immigrant from a war-torn country. Think it doesnt work? What comes to mind when you think of Jonas Salley and Labinot Haliti? Terrible footballers that dont deserve professional contracts and should contemplate a different line a work, preferably, one that doesnt require fine motor skills? Correct but they are also from war-torn countries. Playing the sympathy card can get your child far in this game. Hell, Miron just signed a couple of Eritreans merely because their countrys war-torn past would sound good in a press release. Get your boy a tan plus an untraceable alias and suddenly he is a refugee who fled from the brutal dictatorship of whatever topical poverty-stricken, war-torn land in hopes of a better future. Boom, minutes later, he has a sob sorry story in the Telegraph and a brand spanking new contract. In fact, you dont even need a tan as there are plenty of global conflicts going on at the moment, so you can just pick one from a region that best suits your skin tone.
But without question, the easiest and most successful way to get a professional contract in Australia is to make a DVD of your child playing. Hernandez, Patrick and Reinaldo have all been signed through a simple DVD. But dont worry anglo-saxons, you dont need to go scratching an ão or a inho onto your birth certificate. Former Sydney FC footballer Alex Salazar was signed off a DVD, despite his pasty complexion, to a gob-smacking $100,000 a season contract.
The great thing about being signed off a DVD is that you dont need skill for this; you just need a good editor. Currently, Im making a DVD of former Sydney FC stalwart David Zdrilics finest moments in an attempt to get him re-signed by Sydney (who urgently need him, btw). Sure, it would probably seem easier to convert water to wine than to make a DVD of Davids finest moments but thanks to modern technology, I can make Zdonkey look Zshiznit. Heres just an extract from the video:
Okay, well there are numerous foolproof methods on how to make it in Australian soccer and if still cant get your child a contract, youre an idiot.
Quote:
I'm always interested in progressing the future of Australian football for our children's sake. For too long there has been a proliferation of impractical & unrealistic advice given in regards to rising through the ranks of the local football scene & making that break to the top flight.
I'd love to see the good people on this site play in the A-League one day!!! So a guide has been provided to me from those in the know in the Australian football scene & now I am sharing it with you. Hope it helps with your & your families dreams......
==================================
You are a pitiful waste of life who has never achieved anything worth mentioning. You are living proof that god isnt perfect because he created you. You are the physical form of failure. You reek of disappointment. And you sweat pure shame. Congratulations, you are every soccer dad ever. What a better thing to do than heap your crushed hopes and broken dreams of stardom onto your ugly child so he too can follow in your footsteps of failing. Yes, you have gone about to enrol your child into the local soccer team, in hopes that he will achieve what you were too incompetent of doing; becoming a semi-famous Australian football player. Good for you! There is nothing more rewarding than being a footballer. Fans make songs about you being a paedophile, tabloid magazines use hidden cameras to find you at your weakest just to exploit it for sales, and eventually, youll be forced to retire in your late 20s because of a basic knee injury that will curse you to walk around with a limp for the rest of your pathetic life.
Unfortunately, for your son to make it in the football world, its going to require more than him to train hard and keep his head down to make it in the business. Luckily, as the a-league proves, talent is optional to become a professional footballer, so this article will have some basic steps to get your child closer to your goal. Firstly though, here are some things that wont help your son get there, despite common perception.
Dont sign your child up for Coerver training. Look, the moment you sign up for Coerver, you dont become more attractive to rep squads; you become attractive to pyramid scheme merchants because they know that youre an idiot who is willing to throw away $500 on a two-week training course that teaches you how to do stepovers. As soon as that cheque at Coerver clears, your letterbox is literally filled with sweepstake newsletters, nutrimetics reselling opportunities and mail from various members of the Nigerian royal family.
If you want to help your child, get him some steroids. As everyone knows, I am keen endorser of steroids because of their unmatched awesomeness, but they can also help kick-start any flagging career.
Fact: Lionel Messi used steroids.
Fact: Adam Hardy did not use steroids.
Fact: You had to google that name just then.
Fact: All your counter arguments have been destroyed.
Dont you want your childs name to be held in the same esteem as FIFAs World Player of the Year Lionel Messi? Or other noted steroid users such as 7-time MLB MVP Barry Bonds, or Canadas favourite son Chris Benoit?
However, you cant just shoot `roids directly into your veins. Thatd be cheating. You need to justify it. Well, Mr. Messi justified his steroid use on his underdeveloped height. So if your child ever gets busted, you can simply say that you wanted to counter the effects of your wife smoking during the pregnancy. Or that you wanted your son to be able to ride all the rides at the Easter Show. Or that you thought there wouldnt be much work as a hobbits stunt double now that The Lord of The Rings saga has finished. Besides, chances are youll get away with it as the side effects of steroids are mood swings, mass acne and voice breakage, so everyone will simply confuse his body changes as part of puberty anyways. Unless someone starts questioning your childs 30-inch biceps, in which case, you can report him for stranger danger since hes checking out your boys body.
While were on the topic of what not to do, dont let your child idolise foreigners; in particular, South Americans. This is convict country. We like our wogs beaten, our bread spread with yeast extract and our soccer players as creative as tribal tramp stamps. Let your son idolise someone they can realistically emulate, such as Jamie Coyne. Jamie has been called attractive more times than he has completed passes yet that hasnt stopped him from racking up a decade in professional football. He has a phobia of marking his man, an allergy to timing his tackle and a fetish for making the crowd chant unmentionable things about his mother. Yet he knows what its like to be paid to kick a football incorrectly. He is a great role model for any aspiring youngster as he lets children know that there are plenty of people out there who are willing to settle and be content with mediocrity. See Megan Gales relationship with Andy Lee for more info.
Now lets move on and discuss what WILL get your son knocking on the door of professional football.
One of the biggest handicaps I had to encounter when trying out for the local rep side was finding out that I didnt share the same surname as any of the coaches. If you want your child to make it anywhere in this game, you better figure out a way to get involved in a rep squads coaching staff. That way, even if your son is cursed to be skilfully-impaired, you can drag him along to wherever your equally incompetent butt ends up, ala Steve McMahon w/ Stevie Jr or Branko Culina w/ Damon and so on. How do you get a gig in coaching? I dont know! This is a guide on how to get a professional contract, not a guide on how to get a coaching gig. Although, I can only suggest that speaking with a slurred accent on The World Game will boost your chances. Isnt that right Branko, Miron, Francis?
However, if its too late for you to work up the ranks in the coaching world, remember, making a generous donation to a sporting club is a great way for selectors to suddenly realise that your son has talent. Why do you think state league soccer sucks? Because every club has to accept a lot of these donations to stay afloat. This brings with it the unwritten obligation to play these donors untalented next of kin, which makes every state league game look like a Max Vieri imitation convention.
Okay, so the fall of Wall Street has made the above venture unviable for you. Well, something slightly less immoral you could do is pretend your son is an immigrant from a war-torn country. Think it doesnt work? What comes to mind when you think of Jonas Salley and Labinot Haliti? Terrible footballers that dont deserve professional contracts and should contemplate a different line a work, preferably, one that doesnt require fine motor skills? Correct but they are also from war-torn countries. Playing the sympathy card can get your child far in this game. Hell, Miron just signed a couple of Eritreans merely because their countrys war-torn past would sound good in a press release. Get your boy a tan plus an untraceable alias and suddenly he is a refugee who fled from the brutal dictatorship of whatever topical poverty-stricken, war-torn land in hopes of a better future. Boom, minutes later, he has a sob sorry story in the Telegraph and a brand spanking new contract. In fact, you dont even need a tan as there are plenty of global conflicts going on at the moment, so you can just pick one from a region that best suits your skin tone.
But without question, the easiest and most successful way to get a professional contract in Australia is to make a DVD of your child playing. Hernandez, Patrick and Reinaldo have all been signed through a simple DVD. But dont worry anglo-saxons, you dont need to go scratching an ão or a inho onto your birth certificate. Former Sydney FC footballer Alex Salazar was signed off a DVD, despite his pasty complexion, to a gob-smacking $100,000 a season contract.
The great thing about being signed off a DVD is that you dont need skill for this; you just need a good editor. Currently, Im making a DVD of former Sydney FC stalwart David Zdrilics finest moments in an attempt to get him re-signed by Sydney (who urgently need him, btw). Sure, it would probably seem easier to convert water to wine than to make a DVD of Davids finest moments but thanks to modern technology, I can make Zdonkey look Zshiznit. Heres just an extract from the video:
Okay, well there are numerous foolproof methods on how to make it in Australian soccer and if still cant get your child a contract, youre an idiot.