I've always been a smart kid, I've been told that by all my teachers. But I've never been a good student. I never got up in the morning, I missed classes for weeks, I didn't do homework. When I did I got B's. Sometimes A's.
I failed my entire grade 10, all eight courses, it put me behind all my peers. It felt terrible, all for what? So I can stay home all day and play video games, It wasn't even fun, the entire time I played I felt bad. My sleep schedule got so screwed up-
I was going to bed at 5-6AM on some days. I tried to tell myself I would get back on track and push ahead and graduate on time. I never did, I got a job- I show up for that on time, in fact I work hard at my job even if it's a minimum wage donut shop. I've never resented school, or my teachers. I realize I did this to myself. But I'm so angry at the world- my "friends" constantly poke fun at me failing so badly. I got myself into a hole, so goddamn deep I couldn't leave it. I still go to bed at 4-5AM. All my friends have gone to bed as I type this to wake up tomorrow to go walk across the stage get their diplomas, go to a golf course for a dinner etc. I've missed all that, my parents wouldn't pay for it anyways. Probably can't pay for it.
A big part of me tells me to give the finger to the world- and in September when I enroll in what I call "Retard School" work the hardest I ever have on my studies, and finish with my equivalency diploma with straight A's. Part of me says,
that I should do that, work my job, save my money, and devote my life to making money and materialism and what not. I feel that it will make me happy. I've never kissed a girl, I'm bisexual so put that as a cherry on top of my version of lifes' complications- all throughout highschool I was sexually confused, attracted to my best friends but still staring at the cute girl every now and again.
Did I mention my grandma just died? I'm not upset about it, which is actually what's bothering me, she insulted me called me a failure, lazy, useless, only one of which is true. I don't miss her, I didn't shed a single tear. My dad made the comment nearly four times after she died, "I got really mad at her when she screamed at you in front of your friends".
I could honestly write a book, or better yet a long essay about my problems. I just hope I harness all this misfortune, failure, and handicaps that I've experienced and turn it into pure raging drive for what I want.
My family hasn't been murdered, I've never been sexually assaulted, I'm not starving. But life just seems pretty crappy right now.
I failed my entire grade 10, all eight courses, it put me behind all my peers. It felt terrible, all for what? So I can stay home all day and play video games, It wasn't even fun, the entire time I played I felt bad. My sleep schedule got so screwed up-
I was going to bed at 5-6AM on some days. I tried to tell myself I would get back on track and push ahead and graduate on time. I never did, I got a job- I show up for that on time, in fact I work hard at my job even if it's a minimum wage donut shop. I've never resented school, or my teachers. I realize I did this to myself. But I'm so angry at the world- my "friends" constantly poke fun at me failing so badly. I got myself into a hole, so goddamn deep I couldn't leave it. I still go to bed at 4-5AM. All my friends have gone to bed as I type this to wake up tomorrow to go walk across the stage get their diplomas, go to a golf course for a dinner etc. I've missed all that, my parents wouldn't pay for it anyways. Probably can't pay for it.
A big part of me tells me to give the finger to the world- and in September when I enroll in what I call "Retard School" work the hardest I ever have on my studies, and finish with my equivalency diploma with straight A's. Part of me says,
that I should do that, work my job, save my money, and devote my life to making money and materialism and what not. I feel that it will make me happy. I've never kissed a girl, I'm bisexual so put that as a cherry on top of my version of lifes' complications- all throughout highschool I was sexually confused, attracted to my best friends but still staring at the cute girl every now and again.
Did I mention my grandma just died? I'm not upset about it, which is actually what's bothering me, she insulted me called me a failure, lazy, useless, only one of which is true. I don't miss her, I didn't shed a single tear. My dad made the comment nearly four times after she died, "I got really mad at her when she screamed at you in front of your friends".
I could honestly write a book, or better yet a long essay about my problems. I just hope I harness all this misfortune, failure, and handicaps that I've experienced and turn it into pure raging drive for what I want.
My family hasn't been murdered, I've never been sexually assaulted, I'm not starving. But life just seems pretty crappy right now.