Apologies in advance for the very long post. It's hard to get all this down in summarized form.
At the start of the second semester of my ninth year of school, in 2012, a girl I'd never seen or heard of before came into my class. She was really pretty, and seemed to be very popular as well. I'd never really had any friends that were girls, let alone attractive and popular girls. I wasn't unattractive myself, really, but I wasn't amazing either, and though I had several friends, I was a mostly quiet and introverted person who wasn't Mr Popularity, nor did I ever try to be. So I was very surprised when this girl, let's call her Alice (not even close to her real name lol) started sitting next to me in classes we had together and talking to me. She was really funny and cool, and although I dislike the word and don't like calling people it, least of all my friends, I eventually found out she was sort of what some people would say a slut. I feel horrible using that word about her, but there really isn't any other word. I never listened to other peoples opinions on her, since they would most likely be false and exaggerated. Everything I knew was said by her herself. She told me that casually goes to parties and gets really drunk and/or high and has sex with random guys. And she was 14 when I met her and she told me about this. She smoked as well, though I wouldn't find this out until later. Alice told me all these sorts of stories, and when I told me friends (only my two really good friends I trusted) they called her a slut and said I shouldn't hang around with her. For some reason, I still did though. She took a peculiar interest in a book I was reading, A Dance With Dragons to be specific, and she found all the disturbing and sexual and disgusting parts to be really funny, and she would encourage me to read them to her. Me, still being surprised such an attractive and popular girl was talking to me, agreed. We pretty much always sat next to each other in Science and IT classes, and we eventually kind of became casual friends in a sort of way, though we never really talked outside of classes at this point. One of my good friends who'd I'd known for a few years decided he 'liked' her now, despite having some very rude things to say about her previously, and so he sort-of asked her out, and she turned him down flat. He didn't seem to take this well, and from that point onwards, for the next year and a half, he'd always hold a very low opinion of her, and call her horrible, insulting things, though I was never sure if he was joking or not. At the end of the year she told me she was moving schools and wouldn't be back next year, and while I would miss her, I wasn't really that close to her anyway, so it was alright.
Well when I turned up for the first day of year 10 next year, Alice was back. I told her I thought she said she was leaving, but she said that didn't end up happening, so she was back. I was glad of this, since she was pretty much the only girl I talked to at school, or at least was friends with. Despite her being back, we kind of didn't talk for a while, and just drifted apart, not really being much of friends anymore. I can't remember for how long this happened, but eventually, probably sometime near the middle of the year, we started talking again. Our friendship soon escalated a lot. While last year we just talked sometimes in class, now we talked all the time in class, any class we had together. Then we started talking outside of class, like at recess and lunchtimes. This went on for a while until eventually she pretty much only hanged around with me, no longer talking to or seeing her other friends, who were all much more similar to her than I was. We were together pretty much all the time at school. Every class we had together, we were sitting next to each other, talking quietly and mucking around on our phones. I never used to be like this, but with her I was just always excited to talk to her, and she was as well. Every recess and lunch time we would always be sitting together, mostly away from everyone else, just talking quietly about things. One lunch time we were watching funny Youtube videos on my phone with earphones, us sitting down near the library, and she was gently leaning against me, her hand on my leg and head on my shoulder. I was really surprised and at a loss of words with this, since I've never really been around a girl that acted like that with me. So we just sat there, watching Youtube videos and drinking a huge energy drink, since she couldn't finish it herself, so we shared it.
I don't remember when it was, but at a certain point during that last half of the year, near the beginning of semester 2, I realized I really liked her, like more than any other girl ever. It was different than the others, since in other cases I just thought they were really pretty and nice and wanted to go out with them, but with Alice it was different. Since I was really her friend, and we legit cared about each other and trusted each other, I felt like this time it was more important than any other time combined. It was around this time when I found out she had a boyfriend. That sucked, yeah, but I wasn't ready to ask her out at that point anyway. The only problem was - and ever since I started liking her in a "romantic" way, this really sucked - that she tended to overshare things waaaaaayyyy too much. She would tell me the most graphic and in depth details of her sex life with her boyfriend. And I mean really detailed and private stuff, like "we did anal last night, but it really hurt," or, "I was trying to go to sleep, but then he'd pull down my shorts and start licking me out," and, "the first time I was sucking his dick I told him not to cum on my face, but he did." Now normally I don't get offended or disgusted at stuff like this, but it was different with her. I had such a huge crush on her that it really sucked when she said stuff like this. It made me insanely jealous of her boyfriend. Thankfully I never met him, since he was 18 and didn't go to school anymore. She'd shown me texts he'd sent to her, and told me stories of stuff about him, and from the general impression she gave me of him, he didn't really seem like a nice guy. Anyway, yeah, the sexual stuff she told me made me really jealous and annoyed. I don't know - and still don't know to this day - if she said it to make me jealous or if she said it cause she thought it was funny. Eventually she became aware it was annoying me, so she toned down how much she said. Still, the mental images it left me weren't appreciated.
The time we were probably the closest as friends was definitely the second last term of that year, from around July to October. She went through a difficult time, so to speak. Anyway, a bit before that, she started asking me if I wanted to go shopping with her. Now, normally I hate shopping, and find it really boring, but I didn't care about that. I was just happy to spend more time around her, especially time out of school, for which we hadn't spent much. I was genuinely surprised she asked me of all people, since I wasn't one of her usual friends who were girls and much more popular and like Alice than me. Anyway, one day after school we caught a public bus from the shops near out school all the way past her house and into a different suburb, where the shopping centre was. I'd never been shopping with a girl before, so I wasn't prepared for how boring and painful it was. I got through it though without complaint, cause I just wanted to be with her. She was much different outside of school. She was more quiet and introverted and calm and "nice," in a way. I really loved this side of her, and it was mainly this side that made he like her so much. She had an almost child-like attitude towards some things. Like for example, she asked me to go to a big school dance we were having next year, and I was incredibly surprised she asked me instead of her boyfriend. Anyway, she had been looking for a dress to wear (even though the dance wasn't for another year), and she would text me photos of her in the dresses, and she looked very beautiful in them. She also talked about how much she loved weddings, and how much she wanted her future wedding to be perfect. I found this really strange for her to say such 'romanticized' things like this. It was cute in a way, like a much softer side of her.
Anyway, while at these shops we sat outside on these steps for a while first, and she offered me the cigarette she had. I'd known for a while she smoked, and in my family smoking was frowned upon really heavily, and anyone that smoked was criticized and judged, so I'd been raised thinking it was the worst thing ever, but here was the girl I had a huge crush on offering me one (and she was only 15 at the time, and told me she started smoking at 13). So yeah I accepted it and tried it. I didn't really like it at first, but then I sort of did. She offered me another one of hers later when we were waiting for the bus. She was patient with me when I didn't do it right. Since that day, every time we saw each other outside of school she would offer me one for myself and then have another for her, and we'd smoke together. I felt odd, like I'd just taken a huge step forward in my life (even though I know everyone says smoking is really bad). Anyway, that was a bit of a random and pointless tangent, sorry. I'm really bored and restless and emotional now, lol.
So moving away from the whole shopping thing, she'd also sometimes ask to come to my house, like she'd say "are you doing anything after school?" and I'd say "no, why?" and she'd ask if she could come over. At stupid and immature and childish as this sounds, to me this was like the biggest moment in my life, lol. A really beautiful girl I had a huge crush on asking if she could come over to my house, for no specific reason? Yeah, I was really shocked. So we got a couple of buses to my house, and as we were walking there she started smoking, and I got really worried, cause if my parents (especially my mum) saw that, she'd freak out and forbid me from being around Alice. She didn't though, and we got back to my house. She was weirdly impressed with my house. She said it was so big and nice and clean (when it wasn't any of those things). She said her own house was really bad and small and messy. I felt a bit of pity for her. I'd later see her house in person, but that comes later. Anyway, we went to my room and just put on a movie and started watching that. I only had a broken chair and my bed in my room, in terms of things to sit on, she she lay on my bed (which made for a really weird image lol) and, not thinking it would be appropriate to lay with her, I sat down on the broken chair. Later my parents got home, and they must have thought it was incredibly weird, seeing their son, who wasn't known for being friends with many girls, in a room with a closed door with a beautiful girl laying on the bed. I don't know how they thought about this, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought we were getting up to something more than watching a movie. Anyway, that whole experience was weird and funny. I just wanted to write it down, even though it occurs to me my post is getting insanely long, and there's still a lot to cover.
So she ended up coming to my house a few times, once cause she asked if she could borrow some DVDs cause she got a new TV in her room. I was happy to give her some. At this point, we were pretty much best friends. We didn't really talk to anyone else at school, just each other. And I was fine with that. I loved that. She was great to be around, and I was always happy when I was with her, and normally I'm a very cold and quiet person. She told me that she trusted me more than anyone in her life, and one day she texted me (cause we texted each other heaps every day) that she got into a fight with her boyfriend, and apparently she told him that I cared about her more than he did. Apparently Alice's boyfriend was also jealous of me cause I spent so much time with her and she trusted me so much. The mere thought of him being jealous of me was hilarious. I told her this, and she agreed. She seemed to grow more and more distant and angry at her boyfriend, for many fights they had, and she always told me about them, and seemed to seek comfort with me. One day she told me that her and her boyfriend broke up. I decided that now was my only chance. So I asked her out that day at school, but I didn't really do it well. It was rushed and I didn't build up to it properly. I felt like an absolute idiot. She didn't say anything, and I could tell she felt uncomfortable and unsure. She told me she'd think about it. We didn't speak for the rest of the day, and I felt absolutely horrible. I realized the answer was 'no,' but it wasn't that that upset me so much. I really thought I'd ruined our friendship by doing this. Probably the best friendship I'd ever had in my life. I was pretty much depressed for the rest of the day. When I got home later she messaged me on Facebook and said she was annoyed I wasn't talking to her, and that she still wanted to be friends. I was glad to see this and apologized for putting her on the spot.
The next day we had an excursion to a nearby Magistrate's Court (the one my mum coincidentally worked at). Despite seemingly having moved passed what happened yesterday, she still avoided me for a while. Eventually she wandered over to me and one of my other friends and asked if she could walk with me. I was relieved beyond belief she wasn't upset with me, so for the rest of the day we went together. She told me that she told her boyfriend I asked her out, and she said he got angry and said he wanted to bash me, but I just laughed at this, since it didn't seem like it was serious. It was later that day during the excursion, after we'd gone to a nearby shopping centre for an hour or so, that she casually told a teacher that she wasn't coming back to this school next year. The news was like a punch to the stomach, for me. I'd grown so close to her, I cared about her so much and loved seeing her every day at school that I just hated hearing those words.
One late night, she texted me telling me to call her. I did, and we talked for a while as she was getting ready to go to a party with her boyfriend. She told me she didn't really want to go. We ended up talking for about an hour, until she finally left. A few hours later she texted me (at about 11pm) saying she hated the party and wanted to go home, but her boyfriend said no. And then another few hours later, at about 1am, she texted me again, saying she was very drunk and very high. She went on a huge tangent to me about how the only reason she didn't say yes to going out with me was because she thought she was too damaged and didn't want to mess up my life, and she said I was too smart and too good for her. I said she was wrong, since I'm the one that thought she wasn't good enough for me, and I said I don't care if she's damaged, cause everyone is in some way, and we get along so well. Anyway, the next morning, (well later that morning) she texted me again, and I asked her if she was serious about what she said the other night, but she said she couldn't really remember, since she was drunk and high.
Anyway, a while later, maybe a few weeks or so, she texted me one night, saying that her grandmother had died, and she'd had a huge fight with her boyfriend. She seemed legit upset, and I told her I was sorry for her loss and could relate, having lost my grandmother earlier that year too. I wanted so much to be with her right now, to comfort her and make sure everything was alright. It turns out, it definitely wasn't alright. I got another text from her at midnight, a few hours later, saying she was in hospital because she'd tried to kill herself, and had almost succeeded. She said she took heaps of pills, and cut her wrists really deep, and she only barely survived. I was shocked and very upset to hear this, and incredibly sad and worried. I told her that I was upset to hear this, since I care about her so much, and don't want anything bad to happen to her. She told me she loved me, and so I told her I did too, because at this point, it was really the truth. I know it's cheesy and dumb and childish, but I honestly did love her.
Anyway, she texted me the next day while I was at school and said she wouldn't be at school for a while, like a month at least, and I told her I'd miss her heaps, and already did, and she told me she missed me as well. On Alice's request, I told my two other good friends, since she was kind of friends with them as well, what happened, and one of them (the one that asked her out and failed last year) didn't really react, like he wasn't really bothered by it, and my other friend said she was a dumb druggie slut that was stupid and she didn't deserve any sympathy. Soooooo... I kind of got angry with him and didn't speak to him for a while. I realized I was probably one of the only people that still cared about Alice, since she told me the only people that knew about her suicide attempt was her parents, her boyfriend and me.
It was a couple of weeks that I hadn't seen her, though we'd texted heaps. She texted me one Saturday and said she almost broke up with her boyfriend, but said she still wanted to be with him, but was conflicted, and so she asked me what she should do. I told her that if she really wants to break up with him she should, since it wouldn't be the end of the world, and she got angry at me and said I didn't understand. I in turn got angry as well and said that I don't know what to say. She told me that I should tell her "break up with him, and I'll fight him, and then kiss you and say I love you." Something to that effect. I didn't know how serious she was or not. She asked if I could come and see her, and I said I would. I got dropped off by my parents at a bus stop near her house (since my dad was on the way to drop my mum off at some party). I finally saw her, and she came up to me and hugged me (which she'd never done before) and said how much she missed me. I was touched by how quiet and kind she was. While we had a smoke sitting in the grass near the bus stop, she showed me her arms, which were bandaged up. It felt horrible to see that, just the very thought of her causing such pain to herself made me feel terrible. So we went back to her house, and I finally understood why she was envious of my own home life. She had six siblings, two of them older step-brothers, and four younger brothers and sisters. Her father lived in another state, having gotten a divorce from Alice's mother, and Alice's mum herself was (according to her stories) mean and insulting. Alice also said her step-dad was really mean and horrible to her, and she hinted one day (but never outright told me, and to this day I don't know the full truth) that her real father sexually assaulted her. I felt absolutely horrible for Alice, and wanted nothing more than for her to have a happy, safe life, but she didn't. Her house was small and messy and shit, and was also in a bad neighborhood. The poor girl didn't have it easy.
For the next few hours we didn't really do much. We just went to her room and watched some movies. Since it was a small room and she shared the bunkbed with her young sister, there wasn't anywhere to sit really, so we just lay on her bed together. She started acting kind of weird around me, like a bit flirty, which she'd never done before. She got down off the bed and took off one of her tops, saying it was too warm, so she only had a much smaller singlet underneath, that showed a lot of cleavage, and she sat where I could see it. She also climbed up on the bed near me and spread her legs and waited for me to look. She giggled when I did and said something about me almost seeing her naked. I don't know, it was weird. She asked me if I wanted to get high with her, since she was also a regular drug user, and I said okay, but she couldn't find whatever she was looking for. Apparently she keeps her bong or crack pipe or something under her pillow, which seems risky to me but whatever. So we just watched some stuff on her TV, lying around on the bed, not doing much. This may seem weird and dumb, but for some reason those couple of hours of just doing nothing with her were the most happy moments of my life. I can't explain it properly, I just felt so at peace and like we were just so good around each other. It got later in the day, like the sun was setting, and she said her boyfriend was coming to meet her soon. I got worried that he'd arrive when I was there, since I was anxious not to meet him. Alice thought this was funny, and said that she would walk me back to the bus stop. It was colder and darker outside now, and we went back. We waited there a bit, and she offered me another cigarette, but I refused, saying my dad would be here soon to pick me up and I didn't want him to see me smoking, or her for that matter. She got annoyed but agreed. She seemed to see her boyfriend somewhere in the distance, and then told me to shake her hand. I thought this was weird, but I did, and so she ran away, almost child-like in her excitement, away to her boyfriend. I just stood there, not knowing what to do or think. I was alone for a while, until I got picked up in a few minutes. I realized sadly the day with her was over.
I only saw her once again before she came back to school. It was a Tuesday, and my school had a day off. I was planning on staying home, but then Alice texted me and asked if I wanted to come over. I gladly said I would, and despite it being a miserable day outside, dark and cold and raining, I walked and got a couple of buses to her house. Like last time we just watched some movies and didn't do much. My mum kept texting me, annoyed I wasn't at home doing homework when I said I would, but I didn't worry about that. Eventually I left Alice's house, and she walked me halfway to the bus stop, cause it was raining so much. She hugged me and thanked me deeply for coming to see her. I realized that she was actually feeling lonely, since she couldn't go to school and her boyfriend didn't really care about her enough to visit her very much. My two visits meant a lot to her.
Anyway, a while later she came back to school, and things were normal for a while. We were still very close, and we went shopping together a few more times. Sadly the end of the year came up, and I realized I wouldn't really see her after this year ended. It made me feel incredibly sad. We had end of year exams, except for some reason she was away for most of them. I also noticed that she seemed to be very distant from me, and didn't talk to me much, instead hanging back around with her old friends. She avoided me for some reason. I didn't know what it was. So a few days later the school year ended, and for me on a really miserable note. My best friend seemed to be angry at me for some reason, and I wasn't going to see her anymore, since she was moving. A few days later I had to go to the school to fill out my forms for next year, and coincidentally Alice was there at the same time. I said hello and tried talking to her, but she was very distant and quiet and seemed annoyed at me, and instead talked to her other friends. She left a bit before me, but I ended up seeing her again at the bus stop at the shopping centre as we both waited for the same bus. So we sat there and she told me that she broke up finally with her boyfriend, and was thinking about seeing another guy, some 19 year old she met at the shops. I was somewhat disproving of that, since at this point she was still 15. She didn't care though. We got the same bus and then parted ways afterwards.
I spent the next six weeks in an almost depression because of her. I was just so miserable I wouldn't see her again, and that we ended on a not very good note. We were such great friends for the year, and we trusted and cared for each other so much, and yet now it all just went to shit for some reason, and it ended badly. I was in a constantly angsty and brooding state, and rarely did anything. One day I was going into the city with some friends, and I happened to see Alice with her old boyfriend walking nearby. One of my friends said she saw us too, but nothing else happened. When I got back home later that day she texted me (this was the first time we'd texted in over a month) and asked if I saw her. I said I did, and she laughed and said 'same.' Feeling a tiny bit reassured not all was terrible, I texted her again a few days later, asking if she wanted to catch up, since it had been a while. She said yes, and we met at a shopping centre near my house. I was really happy to see her, though I wasn't sure how she felt, though she must have been alright, since she told me she had a busy day with meeting other people, but found time specifically to see me, so that's something I guess. I'd hoped to talk to her for a while, but as we we going to get lunch, a guy she knew came up and said hello. He was a year or so older than us, and left out school a while ago. I hoped he wouldn't hang around us long, but Alice needed to get some more cigarettes, and since she couldn't legally buy them, she asked him to. He agreed and so we got them, then sat outside at McDonalds and we all smoked a bit (Alice and the other guy mocking me cause I wasn't smoking entirely right) -_-
I felt a little bit of a third wheel here, since they were more similar to each other than I was. They talked about parties they went to, and 'stuff' they got up to. Alice 'entertained' us with a story of hers, where she said she went to a party, got very drunk and had sex with five guys (whether she meant at once or not I don't know). I felt very annoyed (and secretly very jealous) at this, but said nothing. Eventually the guy left, and Alice asked if she could come back to my house to use my computer to connect her new iPhone to iTunes. We went back there and she did, and later we went back to the shops and she got a bus and left. I was glad to have seen her, but sad knowing that I might not ever see her again.
Turns out I would see her one more time, albeit briefly. The new school year started. One of the (possibly only) benefits of being in year 11 meant getting free periods. I finished early on a Wednesday or Friday, I believe, and walked up with some of my other friends (friends I'm forced to hang around with now that my true friend, Alice, has gone) to the shopping centre. Of all the people to be sitting there waiting for a bus also, it was Alice. I didn't recognise her at first, since she dyed her hair (again, brunette this time, after being blonde and before that black, and before that auburn, though she looked best in black). We said an awkward hello, before she started talking with some girls from my school. Alice told them she was going to get a bus to see her new 'fuckbuddy' as she called him, though she claimed he'd soon be her boyfriend. He was the same 19 year old guy she told me about earlier. Of course I was insanely jealous, especially since late last year she texted me asking if I'd be her rebound if she broke up with her boyfriend, and I accepted. Nothing came of it, obviously. So her bus came, and she waved goodbye to me and said she'd text me later. She never did, and that was the last I ever saw of her to this day. I unhappily accepted that I'd probably never see her again, save for the school dance that was coming up later this year. I was kind of looking forward to that, since it would be great to see her again, and I knew she was excited for it and would look as beautiful as ever.
One night, about six weeks later, she randomly texted me, at like 5am. She told me she had some important news to tell me, and asked if we could catch up sometime soon. I said yes, but she told me the news anyway. She was pregnant. I admit I was very shocked to hear this. She had this little rod thing put in her arm so she couldn't get pregnant, but she told me apparently it was knocked and it moved. So she was pregnant. I asked her if she was going to keep the baby, and she said yes, since she didn't want to abort it. I said this wasn't a good idea, since she would find it hard to balance education and jobs with the baby, but she insisted her mother would take care of it for a while (despite her not having even told her mother yet). I told her that she could always talk to me about it, since I'm be happy to, and she thanked me. The next day I texted her, asking if she wanted to catch up, but she said she had a doctor's appointment, so she couldn't. I texted her the day after asking again, but I got no reply. To this day a month and a half later I've never seen or heard from her again.
She asked me not to tell anyone at school she was pregnant, and I didn't, but eventually they found out via a Facebook update she made. I talked to some of her other friends about it, and they said that she was going to get an abortion. I said she didn't tell me that, but they weren't sure what she meant was true. I heard from another person that she had a miscarriage. I didn't know what was true. The only thing I could be sure of was that the baby was gone, no matter how. Over the next few weeks I felt very sad and down, knowing I'd never see or hear from her again, cause what reason would she have to talk to me anymore? She seemingly didn't feel it was important for her to tell me about her abortion/miscarriage. I continued my life feeling very sad and almost depressed because of how much I missed her. A few days ago my mum asked me if Alice was still doing the school dance, and I said I hadn't talked to her in ages, so I didn't know, so my mum texted her mum, and her mum replied in text that she didn't know what was going on with Alice, since she is apparently out of control and really messed up and not in a good state of mind. I don't know whether that was because of the baby or not. So the dance is off now between us, aka the only time I'd ever see her again.
So that brings us to the present. That's basically a summarized version of our friendship over the past almost two years. Of course a lot more happened between us, both good and not so good, but they were the main points. I haven't seen her in three months, and I haven't texted her or her texted me for a month and a half. Basically I'm feeling really sad and angsty, and almost depressed because of how much I miss her. I now realize that I truly did/do love her, but none of that matters anymore. She's gone from my life, and I have to move on. I wish I could, but it's just so hard. She was so important to me, and I at least think I was important to her as well. Now there's nothing. She's probably forgotten about me, and doesn't care about my anymore. That makes me really sad and upset. To top this off, I was talking to my friend a couple of weeks back, before he left to go on holiday, and he told me a secret he had. He said Alice told him that she only told me her and her boyfriend were broken up to see how I'd react, cause she thought it would be funny. That was just the final punch the gut for me. I'm now questioning if she ever even cared about me at all, if I even meant anything to her. It makes me depressed, thinking about this, which is what I do pretty much most of the time now. I know I should just move on, but it's so hard. She was so important to me for the past year +, that it's hard to accept it's done and finished.
I'm really sorry for how long this went. I know I rambled a lot, and went off onto some random topics, but I just wanted to include it all. I guess I don't know why I wrote this. I wanted to get it all out there. All my feelings about it. If you have any comments or advice I'll happily read it. Thanks for reading all of this if you did. I feel like I'm stuck in my life right now, regarding this. I have this bad feeling I'll never have another friend like her, someone I cared about so much. She was the first girl that was ever really my friend, and I eventually came to love her, in some way. I know it's dumb to think this, but I just feel that I won't ever have a friend that's a girl like this again. I also don't think I will ever care for someone as much as I did for Alice. Okay, sorry, this really is the end. Thank you for reading. Sorry it went for so long.
At the start of the second semester of my ninth year of school, in 2012, a girl I'd never seen or heard of before came into my class. She was really pretty, and seemed to be very popular as well. I'd never really had any friends that were girls, let alone attractive and popular girls. I wasn't unattractive myself, really, but I wasn't amazing either, and though I had several friends, I was a mostly quiet and introverted person who wasn't Mr Popularity, nor did I ever try to be. So I was very surprised when this girl, let's call her Alice (not even close to her real name lol) started sitting next to me in classes we had together and talking to me. She was really funny and cool, and although I dislike the word and don't like calling people it, least of all my friends, I eventually found out she was sort of what some people would say a slut. I feel horrible using that word about her, but there really isn't any other word. I never listened to other peoples opinions on her, since they would most likely be false and exaggerated. Everything I knew was said by her herself. She told me that casually goes to parties and gets really drunk and/or high and has sex with random guys. And she was 14 when I met her and she told me about this. She smoked as well, though I wouldn't find this out until later. Alice told me all these sorts of stories, and when I told me friends (only my two really good friends I trusted) they called her a slut and said I shouldn't hang around with her. For some reason, I still did though. She took a peculiar interest in a book I was reading, A Dance With Dragons to be specific, and she found all the disturbing and sexual and disgusting parts to be really funny, and she would encourage me to read them to her. Me, still being surprised such an attractive and popular girl was talking to me, agreed. We pretty much always sat next to each other in Science and IT classes, and we eventually kind of became casual friends in a sort of way, though we never really talked outside of classes at this point. One of my good friends who'd I'd known for a few years decided he 'liked' her now, despite having some very rude things to say about her previously, and so he sort-of asked her out, and she turned him down flat. He didn't seem to take this well, and from that point onwards, for the next year and a half, he'd always hold a very low opinion of her, and call her horrible, insulting things, though I was never sure if he was joking or not. At the end of the year she told me she was moving schools and wouldn't be back next year, and while I would miss her, I wasn't really that close to her anyway, so it was alright.
Well when I turned up for the first day of year 10 next year, Alice was back. I told her I thought she said she was leaving, but she said that didn't end up happening, so she was back. I was glad of this, since she was pretty much the only girl I talked to at school, or at least was friends with. Despite her being back, we kind of didn't talk for a while, and just drifted apart, not really being much of friends anymore. I can't remember for how long this happened, but eventually, probably sometime near the middle of the year, we started talking again. Our friendship soon escalated a lot. While last year we just talked sometimes in class, now we talked all the time in class, any class we had together. Then we started talking outside of class, like at recess and lunchtimes. This went on for a while until eventually she pretty much only hanged around with me, no longer talking to or seeing her other friends, who were all much more similar to her than I was. We were together pretty much all the time at school. Every class we had together, we were sitting next to each other, talking quietly and mucking around on our phones. I never used to be like this, but with her I was just always excited to talk to her, and she was as well. Every recess and lunch time we would always be sitting together, mostly away from everyone else, just talking quietly about things. One lunch time we were watching funny Youtube videos on my phone with earphones, us sitting down near the library, and she was gently leaning against me, her hand on my leg and head on my shoulder. I was really surprised and at a loss of words with this, since I've never really been around a girl that acted like that with me. So we just sat there, watching Youtube videos and drinking a huge energy drink, since she couldn't finish it herself, so we shared it.
I don't remember when it was, but at a certain point during that last half of the year, near the beginning of semester 2, I realized I really liked her, like more than any other girl ever. It was different than the others, since in other cases I just thought they were really pretty and nice and wanted to go out with them, but with Alice it was different. Since I was really her friend, and we legit cared about each other and trusted each other, I felt like this time it was more important than any other time combined. It was around this time when I found out she had a boyfriend. That sucked, yeah, but I wasn't ready to ask her out at that point anyway. The only problem was - and ever since I started liking her in a "romantic" way, this really sucked - that she tended to overshare things waaaaaayyyy too much. She would tell me the most graphic and in depth details of her sex life with her boyfriend. And I mean really detailed and private stuff, like "we did anal last night, but it really hurt," or, "I was trying to go to sleep, but then he'd pull down my shorts and start licking me out," and, "the first time I was sucking his dick I told him not to cum on my face, but he did." Now normally I don't get offended or disgusted at stuff like this, but it was different with her. I had such a huge crush on her that it really sucked when she said stuff like this. It made me insanely jealous of her boyfriend. Thankfully I never met him, since he was 18 and didn't go to school anymore. She'd shown me texts he'd sent to her, and told me stories of stuff about him, and from the general impression she gave me of him, he didn't really seem like a nice guy. Anyway, yeah, the sexual stuff she told me made me really jealous and annoyed. I don't know - and still don't know to this day - if she said it to make me jealous or if she said it cause she thought it was funny. Eventually she became aware it was annoying me, so she toned down how much she said. Still, the mental images it left me weren't appreciated.
The time we were probably the closest as friends was definitely the second last term of that year, from around July to October. She went through a difficult time, so to speak. Anyway, a bit before that, she started asking me if I wanted to go shopping with her. Now, normally I hate shopping, and find it really boring, but I didn't care about that. I was just happy to spend more time around her, especially time out of school, for which we hadn't spent much. I was genuinely surprised she asked me of all people, since I wasn't one of her usual friends who were girls and much more popular and like Alice than me. Anyway, one day after school we caught a public bus from the shops near out school all the way past her house and into a different suburb, where the shopping centre was. I'd never been shopping with a girl before, so I wasn't prepared for how boring and painful it was. I got through it though without complaint, cause I just wanted to be with her. She was much different outside of school. She was more quiet and introverted and calm and "nice," in a way. I really loved this side of her, and it was mainly this side that made he like her so much. She had an almost child-like attitude towards some things. Like for example, she asked me to go to a big school dance we were having next year, and I was incredibly surprised she asked me instead of her boyfriend. Anyway, she had been looking for a dress to wear (even though the dance wasn't for another year), and she would text me photos of her in the dresses, and she looked very beautiful in them. She also talked about how much she loved weddings, and how much she wanted her future wedding to be perfect. I found this really strange for her to say such 'romanticized' things like this. It was cute in a way, like a much softer side of her.
Anyway, while at these shops we sat outside on these steps for a while first, and she offered me the cigarette she had. I'd known for a while she smoked, and in my family smoking was frowned upon really heavily, and anyone that smoked was criticized and judged, so I'd been raised thinking it was the worst thing ever, but here was the girl I had a huge crush on offering me one (and she was only 15 at the time, and told me she started smoking at 13). So yeah I accepted it and tried it. I didn't really like it at first, but then I sort of did. She offered me another one of hers later when we were waiting for the bus. She was patient with me when I didn't do it right. Since that day, every time we saw each other outside of school she would offer me one for myself and then have another for her, and we'd smoke together. I felt odd, like I'd just taken a huge step forward in my life (even though I know everyone says smoking is really bad). Anyway, that was a bit of a random and pointless tangent, sorry. I'm really bored and restless and emotional now, lol.
So moving away from the whole shopping thing, she'd also sometimes ask to come to my house, like she'd say "are you doing anything after school?" and I'd say "no, why?" and she'd ask if she could come over. At stupid and immature and childish as this sounds, to me this was like the biggest moment in my life, lol. A really beautiful girl I had a huge crush on asking if she could come over to my house, for no specific reason? Yeah, I was really shocked. So we got a couple of buses to my house, and as we were walking there she started smoking, and I got really worried, cause if my parents (especially my mum) saw that, she'd freak out and forbid me from being around Alice. She didn't though, and we got back to my house. She was weirdly impressed with my house. She said it was so big and nice and clean (when it wasn't any of those things). She said her own house was really bad and small and messy. I felt a bit of pity for her. I'd later see her house in person, but that comes later. Anyway, we went to my room and just put on a movie and started watching that. I only had a broken chair and my bed in my room, in terms of things to sit on, she she lay on my bed (which made for a really weird image lol) and, not thinking it would be appropriate to lay with her, I sat down on the broken chair. Later my parents got home, and they must have thought it was incredibly weird, seeing their son, who wasn't known for being friends with many girls, in a room with a closed door with a beautiful girl laying on the bed. I don't know how they thought about this, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought we were getting up to something more than watching a movie. Anyway, that whole experience was weird and funny. I just wanted to write it down, even though it occurs to me my post is getting insanely long, and there's still a lot to cover.
So she ended up coming to my house a few times, once cause she asked if she could borrow some DVDs cause she got a new TV in her room. I was happy to give her some. At this point, we were pretty much best friends. We didn't really talk to anyone else at school, just each other. And I was fine with that. I loved that. She was great to be around, and I was always happy when I was with her, and normally I'm a very cold and quiet person. She told me that she trusted me more than anyone in her life, and one day she texted me (cause we texted each other heaps every day) that she got into a fight with her boyfriend, and apparently she told him that I cared about her more than he did. Apparently Alice's boyfriend was also jealous of me cause I spent so much time with her and she trusted me so much. The mere thought of him being jealous of me was hilarious. I told her this, and she agreed. She seemed to grow more and more distant and angry at her boyfriend, for many fights they had, and she always told me about them, and seemed to seek comfort with me. One day she told me that her and her boyfriend broke up. I decided that now was my only chance. So I asked her out that day at school, but I didn't really do it well. It was rushed and I didn't build up to it properly. I felt like an absolute idiot. She didn't say anything, and I could tell she felt uncomfortable and unsure. She told me she'd think about it. We didn't speak for the rest of the day, and I felt absolutely horrible. I realized the answer was 'no,' but it wasn't that that upset me so much. I really thought I'd ruined our friendship by doing this. Probably the best friendship I'd ever had in my life. I was pretty much depressed for the rest of the day. When I got home later she messaged me on Facebook and said she was annoyed I wasn't talking to her, and that she still wanted to be friends. I was glad to see this and apologized for putting her on the spot.
The next day we had an excursion to a nearby Magistrate's Court (the one my mum coincidentally worked at). Despite seemingly having moved passed what happened yesterday, she still avoided me for a while. Eventually she wandered over to me and one of my other friends and asked if she could walk with me. I was relieved beyond belief she wasn't upset with me, so for the rest of the day we went together. She told me that she told her boyfriend I asked her out, and she said he got angry and said he wanted to bash me, but I just laughed at this, since it didn't seem like it was serious. It was later that day during the excursion, after we'd gone to a nearby shopping centre for an hour or so, that she casually told a teacher that she wasn't coming back to this school next year. The news was like a punch to the stomach, for me. I'd grown so close to her, I cared about her so much and loved seeing her every day at school that I just hated hearing those words.
One late night, she texted me telling me to call her. I did, and we talked for a while as she was getting ready to go to a party with her boyfriend. She told me she didn't really want to go. We ended up talking for about an hour, until she finally left. A few hours later she texted me (at about 11pm) saying she hated the party and wanted to go home, but her boyfriend said no. And then another few hours later, at about 1am, she texted me again, saying she was very drunk and very high. She went on a huge tangent to me about how the only reason she didn't say yes to going out with me was because she thought she was too damaged and didn't want to mess up my life, and she said I was too smart and too good for her. I said she was wrong, since I'm the one that thought she wasn't good enough for me, and I said I don't care if she's damaged, cause everyone is in some way, and we get along so well. Anyway, the next morning, (well later that morning) she texted me again, and I asked her if she was serious about what she said the other night, but she said she couldn't really remember, since she was drunk and high.
Anyway, a while later, maybe a few weeks or so, she texted me one night, saying that her grandmother had died, and she'd had a huge fight with her boyfriend. She seemed legit upset, and I told her I was sorry for her loss and could relate, having lost my grandmother earlier that year too. I wanted so much to be with her right now, to comfort her and make sure everything was alright. It turns out, it definitely wasn't alright. I got another text from her at midnight, a few hours later, saying she was in hospital because she'd tried to kill herself, and had almost succeeded. She said she took heaps of pills, and cut her wrists really deep, and she only barely survived. I was shocked and very upset to hear this, and incredibly sad and worried. I told her that I was upset to hear this, since I care about her so much, and don't want anything bad to happen to her. She told me she loved me, and so I told her I did too, because at this point, it was really the truth. I know it's cheesy and dumb and childish, but I honestly did love her.
Anyway, she texted me the next day while I was at school and said she wouldn't be at school for a while, like a month at least, and I told her I'd miss her heaps, and already did, and she told me she missed me as well. On Alice's request, I told my two other good friends, since she was kind of friends with them as well, what happened, and one of them (the one that asked her out and failed last year) didn't really react, like he wasn't really bothered by it, and my other friend said she was a dumb druggie slut that was stupid and she didn't deserve any sympathy. Soooooo... I kind of got angry with him and didn't speak to him for a while. I realized I was probably one of the only people that still cared about Alice, since she told me the only people that knew about her suicide attempt was her parents, her boyfriend and me.
It was a couple of weeks that I hadn't seen her, though we'd texted heaps. She texted me one Saturday and said she almost broke up with her boyfriend, but said she still wanted to be with him, but was conflicted, and so she asked me what she should do. I told her that if she really wants to break up with him she should, since it wouldn't be the end of the world, and she got angry at me and said I didn't understand. I in turn got angry as well and said that I don't know what to say. She told me that I should tell her "break up with him, and I'll fight him, and then kiss you and say I love you." Something to that effect. I didn't know how serious she was or not. She asked if I could come and see her, and I said I would. I got dropped off by my parents at a bus stop near her house (since my dad was on the way to drop my mum off at some party). I finally saw her, and she came up to me and hugged me (which she'd never done before) and said how much she missed me. I was touched by how quiet and kind she was. While we had a smoke sitting in the grass near the bus stop, she showed me her arms, which were bandaged up. It felt horrible to see that, just the very thought of her causing such pain to herself made me feel terrible. So we went back to her house, and I finally understood why she was envious of my own home life. She had six siblings, two of them older step-brothers, and four younger brothers and sisters. Her father lived in another state, having gotten a divorce from Alice's mother, and Alice's mum herself was (according to her stories) mean and insulting. Alice also said her step-dad was really mean and horrible to her, and she hinted one day (but never outright told me, and to this day I don't know the full truth) that her real father sexually assaulted her. I felt absolutely horrible for Alice, and wanted nothing more than for her to have a happy, safe life, but she didn't. Her house was small and messy and shit, and was also in a bad neighborhood. The poor girl didn't have it easy.
For the next few hours we didn't really do much. We just went to her room and watched some movies. Since it was a small room and she shared the bunkbed with her young sister, there wasn't anywhere to sit really, so we just lay on her bed together. She started acting kind of weird around me, like a bit flirty, which she'd never done before. She got down off the bed and took off one of her tops, saying it was too warm, so she only had a much smaller singlet underneath, that showed a lot of cleavage, and she sat where I could see it. She also climbed up on the bed near me and spread her legs and waited for me to look. She giggled when I did and said something about me almost seeing her naked. I don't know, it was weird. She asked me if I wanted to get high with her, since she was also a regular drug user, and I said okay, but she couldn't find whatever she was looking for. Apparently she keeps her bong or crack pipe or something under her pillow, which seems risky to me but whatever. So we just watched some stuff on her TV, lying around on the bed, not doing much. This may seem weird and dumb, but for some reason those couple of hours of just doing nothing with her were the most happy moments of my life. I can't explain it properly, I just felt so at peace and like we were just so good around each other. It got later in the day, like the sun was setting, and she said her boyfriend was coming to meet her soon. I got worried that he'd arrive when I was there, since I was anxious not to meet him. Alice thought this was funny, and said that she would walk me back to the bus stop. It was colder and darker outside now, and we went back. We waited there a bit, and she offered me another cigarette, but I refused, saying my dad would be here soon to pick me up and I didn't want him to see me smoking, or her for that matter. She got annoyed but agreed. She seemed to see her boyfriend somewhere in the distance, and then told me to shake her hand. I thought this was weird, but I did, and so she ran away, almost child-like in her excitement, away to her boyfriend. I just stood there, not knowing what to do or think. I was alone for a while, until I got picked up in a few minutes. I realized sadly the day with her was over.
I only saw her once again before she came back to school. It was a Tuesday, and my school had a day off. I was planning on staying home, but then Alice texted me and asked if I wanted to come over. I gladly said I would, and despite it being a miserable day outside, dark and cold and raining, I walked and got a couple of buses to her house. Like last time we just watched some movies and didn't do much. My mum kept texting me, annoyed I wasn't at home doing homework when I said I would, but I didn't worry about that. Eventually I left Alice's house, and she walked me halfway to the bus stop, cause it was raining so much. She hugged me and thanked me deeply for coming to see her. I realized that she was actually feeling lonely, since she couldn't go to school and her boyfriend didn't really care about her enough to visit her very much. My two visits meant a lot to her.
Anyway, a while later she came back to school, and things were normal for a while. We were still very close, and we went shopping together a few more times. Sadly the end of the year came up, and I realized I wouldn't really see her after this year ended. It made me feel incredibly sad. We had end of year exams, except for some reason she was away for most of them. I also noticed that she seemed to be very distant from me, and didn't talk to me much, instead hanging back around with her old friends. She avoided me for some reason. I didn't know what it was. So a few days later the school year ended, and for me on a really miserable note. My best friend seemed to be angry at me for some reason, and I wasn't going to see her anymore, since she was moving. A few days later I had to go to the school to fill out my forms for next year, and coincidentally Alice was there at the same time. I said hello and tried talking to her, but she was very distant and quiet and seemed annoyed at me, and instead talked to her other friends. She left a bit before me, but I ended up seeing her again at the bus stop at the shopping centre as we both waited for the same bus. So we sat there and she told me that she broke up finally with her boyfriend, and was thinking about seeing another guy, some 19 year old she met at the shops. I was somewhat disproving of that, since at this point she was still 15. She didn't care though. We got the same bus and then parted ways afterwards.
I spent the next six weeks in an almost depression because of her. I was just so miserable I wouldn't see her again, and that we ended on a not very good note. We were such great friends for the year, and we trusted and cared for each other so much, and yet now it all just went to shit for some reason, and it ended badly. I was in a constantly angsty and brooding state, and rarely did anything. One day I was going into the city with some friends, and I happened to see Alice with her old boyfriend walking nearby. One of my friends said she saw us too, but nothing else happened. When I got back home later that day she texted me (this was the first time we'd texted in over a month) and asked if I saw her. I said I did, and she laughed and said 'same.' Feeling a tiny bit reassured not all was terrible, I texted her again a few days later, asking if she wanted to catch up, since it had been a while. She said yes, and we met at a shopping centre near my house. I was really happy to see her, though I wasn't sure how she felt, though she must have been alright, since she told me she had a busy day with meeting other people, but found time specifically to see me, so that's something I guess. I'd hoped to talk to her for a while, but as we we going to get lunch, a guy she knew came up and said hello. He was a year or so older than us, and left out school a while ago. I hoped he wouldn't hang around us long, but Alice needed to get some more cigarettes, and since she couldn't legally buy them, she asked him to. He agreed and so we got them, then sat outside at McDonalds and we all smoked a bit (Alice and the other guy mocking me cause I wasn't smoking entirely right) -_-
I felt a little bit of a third wheel here, since they were more similar to each other than I was. They talked about parties they went to, and 'stuff' they got up to. Alice 'entertained' us with a story of hers, where she said she went to a party, got very drunk and had sex with five guys (whether she meant at once or not I don't know). I felt very annoyed (and secretly very jealous) at this, but said nothing. Eventually the guy left, and Alice asked if she could come back to my house to use my computer to connect her new iPhone to iTunes. We went back there and she did, and later we went back to the shops and she got a bus and left. I was glad to have seen her, but sad knowing that I might not ever see her again.
Turns out I would see her one more time, albeit briefly. The new school year started. One of the (possibly only) benefits of being in year 11 meant getting free periods. I finished early on a Wednesday or Friday, I believe, and walked up with some of my other friends (friends I'm forced to hang around with now that my true friend, Alice, has gone) to the shopping centre. Of all the people to be sitting there waiting for a bus also, it was Alice. I didn't recognise her at first, since she dyed her hair (again, brunette this time, after being blonde and before that black, and before that auburn, though she looked best in black). We said an awkward hello, before she started talking with some girls from my school. Alice told them she was going to get a bus to see her new 'fuckbuddy' as she called him, though she claimed he'd soon be her boyfriend. He was the same 19 year old guy she told me about earlier. Of course I was insanely jealous, especially since late last year she texted me asking if I'd be her rebound if she broke up with her boyfriend, and I accepted. Nothing came of it, obviously. So her bus came, and she waved goodbye to me and said she'd text me later. She never did, and that was the last I ever saw of her to this day. I unhappily accepted that I'd probably never see her again, save for the school dance that was coming up later this year. I was kind of looking forward to that, since it would be great to see her again, and I knew she was excited for it and would look as beautiful as ever.
One night, about six weeks later, she randomly texted me, at like 5am. She told me she had some important news to tell me, and asked if we could catch up sometime soon. I said yes, but she told me the news anyway. She was pregnant. I admit I was very shocked to hear this. She had this little rod thing put in her arm so she couldn't get pregnant, but she told me apparently it was knocked and it moved. So she was pregnant. I asked her if she was going to keep the baby, and she said yes, since she didn't want to abort it. I said this wasn't a good idea, since she would find it hard to balance education and jobs with the baby, but she insisted her mother would take care of it for a while (despite her not having even told her mother yet). I told her that she could always talk to me about it, since I'm be happy to, and she thanked me. The next day I texted her, asking if she wanted to catch up, but she said she had a doctor's appointment, so she couldn't. I texted her the day after asking again, but I got no reply. To this day a month and a half later I've never seen or heard from her again.
She asked me not to tell anyone at school she was pregnant, and I didn't, but eventually they found out via a Facebook update she made. I talked to some of her other friends about it, and they said that she was going to get an abortion. I said she didn't tell me that, but they weren't sure what she meant was true. I heard from another person that she had a miscarriage. I didn't know what was true. The only thing I could be sure of was that the baby was gone, no matter how. Over the next few weeks I felt very sad and down, knowing I'd never see or hear from her again, cause what reason would she have to talk to me anymore? She seemingly didn't feel it was important for her to tell me about her abortion/miscarriage. I continued my life feeling very sad and almost depressed because of how much I missed her. A few days ago my mum asked me if Alice was still doing the school dance, and I said I hadn't talked to her in ages, so I didn't know, so my mum texted her mum, and her mum replied in text that she didn't know what was going on with Alice, since she is apparently out of control and really messed up and not in a good state of mind. I don't know whether that was because of the baby or not. So the dance is off now between us, aka the only time I'd ever see her again.
So that brings us to the present. That's basically a summarized version of our friendship over the past almost two years. Of course a lot more happened between us, both good and not so good, but they were the main points. I haven't seen her in three months, and I haven't texted her or her texted me for a month and a half. Basically I'm feeling really sad and angsty, and almost depressed because of how much I miss her. I now realize that I truly did/do love her, but none of that matters anymore. She's gone from my life, and I have to move on. I wish I could, but it's just so hard. She was so important to me, and I at least think I was important to her as well. Now there's nothing. She's probably forgotten about me, and doesn't care about my anymore. That makes me really sad and upset. To top this off, I was talking to my friend a couple of weeks back, before he left to go on holiday, and he told me a secret he had. He said Alice told him that she only told me her and her boyfriend were broken up to see how I'd react, cause she thought it would be funny. That was just the final punch the gut for me. I'm now questioning if she ever even cared about me at all, if I even meant anything to her. It makes me depressed, thinking about this, which is what I do pretty much most of the time now. I know I should just move on, but it's so hard. She was so important to me for the past year +, that it's hard to accept it's done and finished.
I'm really sorry for how long this went. I know I rambled a lot, and went off onto some random topics, but I just wanted to include it all. I guess I don't know why I wrote this. I wanted to get it all out there. All my feelings about it. If you have any comments or advice I'll happily read it. Thanks for reading all of this if you did. I feel like I'm stuck in my life right now, regarding this. I have this bad feeling I'll never have another friend like her, someone I cared about so much. She was the first girl that was ever really my friend, and I eventually came to love her, in some way. I know it's dumb to think this, but I just feel that I won't ever have a friend that's a girl like this again. I also don't think I will ever care for someone as much as I did for Alice. Okay, sorry, this really is the end. Thank you for reading. Sorry it went for so long.