Dang, I...I feel weird. Like, my thoughts aren't my own or something, or like I feel almost disconnected from my body. Almost.
I think it's getting worse. Whatever what was bad about myself before is progressively getting worse. I think I'm doing it deliberately though, like I'm trying to make myself crack. I do small things that I know I'm gonna regret later, it's like procrastination...but deadly procrastination or some shit. Or sometimes it's not even procrastination it's just...things that will hurt me emotionally.
It's like I'm trying to numb myself without me knowing it! But I do sort of know! Haha! So I was thinking it could be like my subconscious desire to kill myself....being...made possible or something. Like my mind is allowing me to get past the fear of killing myself by attempting to...stop myself from having emotions or something.
None of my emotions feel genuine anymore. Or maybe I'm realizing they were never genuine in the first place...
Haha. I'm sounding so loony. Look at me! I want to be psycho!
I feel so bad for my parents. They try to do what they can for me...(They're not the best of course, but they provide things).., but here I am just wasting whatever effort they put into raising me and keeping me alive.
I just don't feel suited for life. Like...I wasn't meant to live. My mother had a miscarriage. But that was even before the birth of my three older siblings. I don't know...maybe that person could have used their life a lot better than I.
Maybe I just need to feel what it's like to suffer physically. I don't know, I'm just guessing that that may change my current mindset. Should I try to stop eating for like a week? I wonder about that plan but then it's like...I'm gonna perform even worse in school than I already am.
Ugh.....I don't want to graduate highschool with my associates degree, and I think I'm deciding not to. There really isn't much a point in doing so, but the school makes me feel so pressured. I'm taking 5 classes at the community college...and they made me take electives I don't need to make my schedule even more busy????
I like eating good amounts of food.
**Happy 1,500th post! Yay!
I think it's getting worse. Whatever what was bad about myself before is progressively getting worse. I think I'm doing it deliberately though, like I'm trying to make myself crack. I do small things that I know I'm gonna regret later, it's like procrastination...but deadly procrastination or some shit. Or sometimes it's not even procrastination it's just...things that will hurt me emotionally.
It's like I'm trying to numb myself without me knowing it! But I do sort of know! Haha! So I was thinking it could be like my subconscious desire to kill myself....being...made possible or something. Like my mind is allowing me to get past the fear of killing myself by attempting to...stop myself from having emotions or something.
None of my emotions feel genuine anymore. Or maybe I'm realizing they were never genuine in the first place...
Haha. I'm sounding so loony. Look at me! I want to be psycho!
I feel so bad for my parents. They try to do what they can for me...(They're not the best of course, but they provide things).., but here I am just wasting whatever effort they put into raising me and keeping me alive.
I just don't feel suited for life. Like...I wasn't meant to live. My mother had a miscarriage. But that was even before the birth of my three older siblings. I don't know...maybe that person could have used their life a lot better than I.
Maybe I just need to feel what it's like to suffer physically. I don't know, I'm just guessing that that may change my current mindset. Should I try to stop eating for like a week? I wonder about that plan but then it's like...I'm gonna perform even worse in school than I already am.
Ugh.....I don't want to graduate highschool with my associates degree, and I think I'm deciding not to. There really isn't much a point in doing so, but the school makes me feel so pressured. I'm taking 5 classes at the community college...and they made me take electives I don't need to make my schedule even more busy????
I like eating good amounts of food.
**Happy 1,500th post! Yay!