Sometimes I just want to shut up forever.

I hate language. I hate Spanish, because I've been studying it for 12 years, and I've been around it my entire life, and I still can't speak it worth beans. I hate communicating in Spanish, because I'm afraid that I'll be mocked, or corrected, or I'll say something wrong.

And don't even get me started on Japanese. I've sworn multiple times to never utter a word in Japanese again.

I hate English. I get alexithymia so much, or I'll forget a word, or I'll use the wrong one because it sounds similar and people will think I'm being pretentious. If I had any other way to communicate, I'd forget about English, too.

Sometimes I just want someone to rip out my vocal cords (that way I can no longer make dozens of ears bleed when I sing either), and paralyze my arms so I can just nod or shake my head for everything for the rest of my life.

I don't even care that I'm an artist, a writer, an avid gamer, I don't care about any of my likes or interests anymore I just never want to speak ever again. I hate it. I get so much anxiety over it, and I'm not really good at any of the things I do involving hands/voice anyways, so why not? Why not sedate me constantly as well? I'd be perfectly fine living as a low-functioning, nonverbal, paralyzed vegetable. Or better yet, why not fire a couple rounds through my head? I'm sick of living anyways.