Hey everyone,
Google led me to this forum and I'm happy that I found it. I really don't have any one that I can talk to about this in my life, even though I'm openly gay. I guess I just don't really feel close enough to the people that I know to open up to any of them about this. Maybe that's a whole other problem in my life, and I'm sure that's not the only other problem I have, but one at a time, right? Any insight would be greatly appreciated and I apologize in advance if this ends up being longer than it needs to be.
Almost two years ago I met this guy where I work part time. I was asked to train him for the day and I felt incredibly lucky because of how handsome he was. Physically, he was definitely my type, so I felt attracted to him the moment I saw him. Over the course of the day and as we talked, I began to see past his good looks and realized that he was a really nice guy that I enjoyed talking and joking with. I thought about how he wasn't just my type physically, but he had a terrific personality too that I liked very much. From that day on, we got along great and would always look forward to working together. My crush on him didn't bother me nearly as much then as it does now. Almost two years is a long time to be crushing on someone, I know, but I haven't been able to quite figure out why my feelings remain as intense today as they were nearly two years ago. I should be able to let go of the feelings that I have for him because of what I'm about to type below, but something is stopping me from doing so and I'm hoping someone here can shed some insight.
He had a girlfriend for around five months before breaking it off with her. I know that having a girlfriend doesn't mean that a guy can't like another guy, but usually that ups the likelihood that he isn't into guys. That right there should really have killed my hopes, but it didn't. Then, there's the fact that there's a gay guy at work that likes him and hugs him and he doesn't like that. What's confusing though is there was another gay guy that has since left that would hug him, and he didn't appear to mind. I tell myself that just because a guy hugs another guy doesn't mean he's gay, but that type of logic doesn't seem to work on me - I guess it's because that type of logic goes against what I want to believe. It's just like how I tell myself I shouldn't read into his smiles and stares, but a part of me wants to believe that there's more to those smiles and stares than the ones other people give me.
The biggest reason I should be able to let go is the fact that he knows I'm gay. If he was interested in the way I'm interested in him, he would've made an effort to convey his feelings. I know though that's not always the case, but a lot of the time it is. I have taken it a step further, believing rejection is better than not knowing, by implying to him that I like him, but he hasn't given me direct answers. One time, I asked him, "based on how you feel about [name of the gay guy that hugs him that he doesn't like], I take it you're not at all interested in guys?" and his response was, "no, [name] is just weird. I like everyone else that works here. [Name] is just weird". His answer didn't make sense to me, but I developed cold feet and didn't continue the conversation, even though I really should have. Another time I said to him, "I like you. I probably like you more than I should," and to that he kind of just chuckled (I guess it was a chuckle) and smiled. Problem is, I don't know if he's worried about hurting my feelings or if he's not getting what I'm implying or if he isn't ready to be out to everyone.
What this all boils down to is I'm afraid of regret. I'm worried that our paths will part and I will wonder what his answer would have been had I been direct enough with him. He's such a wonderful guy and I would be happier than I have ever been in life if it turned out he liked me in the same way I like him. What I'm pretty much equally afraid of is if he doesn't feel the same way, how hard is it going to be (and for how long) for us to work together? Should I even feel awkward or embarrassed to face him? There isn't anything "wrong" about my feelings, so why shouldn't I just be able to brush off the disappointment and work normally around him? At this point, is resolution what I need most?
Google led me to this forum and I'm happy that I found it. I really don't have any one that I can talk to about this in my life, even though I'm openly gay. I guess I just don't really feel close enough to the people that I know to open up to any of them about this. Maybe that's a whole other problem in my life, and I'm sure that's not the only other problem I have, but one at a time, right? Any insight would be greatly appreciated and I apologize in advance if this ends up being longer than it needs to be.
Almost two years ago I met this guy where I work part time. I was asked to train him for the day and I felt incredibly lucky because of how handsome he was. Physically, he was definitely my type, so I felt attracted to him the moment I saw him. Over the course of the day and as we talked, I began to see past his good looks and realized that he was a really nice guy that I enjoyed talking and joking with. I thought about how he wasn't just my type physically, but he had a terrific personality too that I liked very much. From that day on, we got along great and would always look forward to working together. My crush on him didn't bother me nearly as much then as it does now. Almost two years is a long time to be crushing on someone, I know, but I haven't been able to quite figure out why my feelings remain as intense today as they were nearly two years ago. I should be able to let go of the feelings that I have for him because of what I'm about to type below, but something is stopping me from doing so and I'm hoping someone here can shed some insight.
He had a girlfriend for around five months before breaking it off with her. I know that having a girlfriend doesn't mean that a guy can't like another guy, but usually that ups the likelihood that he isn't into guys. That right there should really have killed my hopes, but it didn't. Then, there's the fact that there's a gay guy at work that likes him and hugs him and he doesn't like that. What's confusing though is there was another gay guy that has since left that would hug him, and he didn't appear to mind. I tell myself that just because a guy hugs another guy doesn't mean he's gay, but that type of logic doesn't seem to work on me - I guess it's because that type of logic goes against what I want to believe. It's just like how I tell myself I shouldn't read into his smiles and stares, but a part of me wants to believe that there's more to those smiles and stares than the ones other people give me.
The biggest reason I should be able to let go is the fact that he knows I'm gay. If he was interested in the way I'm interested in him, he would've made an effort to convey his feelings. I know though that's not always the case, but a lot of the time it is. I have taken it a step further, believing rejection is better than not knowing, by implying to him that I like him, but he hasn't given me direct answers. One time, I asked him, "based on how you feel about [name of the gay guy that hugs him that he doesn't like], I take it you're not at all interested in guys?" and his response was, "no, [name] is just weird. I like everyone else that works here. [Name] is just weird". His answer didn't make sense to me, but I developed cold feet and didn't continue the conversation, even though I really should have. Another time I said to him, "I like you. I probably like you more than I should," and to that he kind of just chuckled (I guess it was a chuckle) and smiled. Problem is, I don't know if he's worried about hurting my feelings or if he's not getting what I'm implying or if he isn't ready to be out to everyone.
What this all boils down to is I'm afraid of regret. I'm worried that our paths will part and I will wonder what his answer would have been had I been direct enough with him. He's such a wonderful guy and I would be happier than I have ever been in life if it turned out he liked me in the same way I like him. What I'm pretty much equally afraid of is if he doesn't feel the same way, how hard is it going to be (and for how long) for us to work together? Should I even feel awkward or embarrassed to face him? There isn't anything "wrong" about my feelings, so why shouldn't I just be able to brush off the disappointment and work normally around him? At this point, is resolution what I need most?