I haven't posted here since i was like, 15, i cant remember a thing about my old posts, but i need to just vent out some stuff.
Ever since i was around 13 years old I have had confusing feelings about my gender, i have had phases of wanted to be a girl, then not caring, then wanting it again, then not caring, and currently, I'm feeling that way again. I don't know where to start, or what to say or how deep to go into all of this. :S
I left school last year (aged 17) and i have had plenty of alone time at home, with both parents in day jobs and a younger brother at school still, i tend to do things that i don't talk about. I would wake myself up as my mum leaves and stuff my shirt with something to give me breasts and then sleep for another few hours just so i can wake up that way. I want to order female cosplays cause i think the clothes are so much cuter than what guys get stuck wearing. I've worn women's underwear and cross-dressed on more than one occasion (only ever in the house), more so with the many hours at home alone.
I have no doubts that my exposure to anime and Japanese pop culture has had an influence on this, and i don't care. I like these feelings and i don't want this part of me to just up and die. At the same time I'm stuck in the void of wanting something more than anything, and having everything stop me from getting it. My immense fear of what will happen if i ever did tell someone is the biggest problem. I'm worried about turning 18 in a few months. With that comes the freedom of buying things online without my parents all seeing eye. And i'm afraid that i'll buy stuff like a skirt or some girls underwear, or worse and get caught out.
I'm probably as straight as they come as a guy, I love girls, everything about them, its just that my attraction to girls translates along the way into these feelings. If theres anything i know its that this isn't some strange fetish, if i had the chance to change my physical gender, never to return, i'd take it. I've had reoccurring dreams of being a girl, both in fantasies and reliving real points in my life.At times I wake up from these dreams with tears. I have never liked the way I look and I always put myself down over my appearance and blame myself for never having gone out with a girl in my life. I absolutely hate the body i'm in.
Anyway, i feel like I'm going on too much, I'm gonna make myself stop here.
If theres i wanna get out of this its simply someone who can either relate to me or is able to sympathise with. Please don't be harsh in your replies, i don't take rejection well and being told a flat "no" in any situation hits me like a brick.
Thank you for reading my post.
Ever since i was around 13 years old I have had confusing feelings about my gender, i have had phases of wanted to be a girl, then not caring, then wanting it again, then not caring, and currently, I'm feeling that way again. I don't know where to start, or what to say or how deep to go into all of this. :S
I left school last year (aged 17) and i have had plenty of alone time at home, with both parents in day jobs and a younger brother at school still, i tend to do things that i don't talk about. I would wake myself up as my mum leaves and stuff my shirt with something to give me breasts and then sleep for another few hours just so i can wake up that way. I want to order female cosplays cause i think the clothes are so much cuter than what guys get stuck wearing. I've worn women's underwear and cross-dressed on more than one occasion (only ever in the house), more so with the many hours at home alone.
I have no doubts that my exposure to anime and Japanese pop culture has had an influence on this, and i don't care. I like these feelings and i don't want this part of me to just up and die. At the same time I'm stuck in the void of wanting something more than anything, and having everything stop me from getting it. My immense fear of what will happen if i ever did tell someone is the biggest problem. I'm worried about turning 18 in a few months. With that comes the freedom of buying things online without my parents all seeing eye. And i'm afraid that i'll buy stuff like a skirt or some girls underwear, or worse and get caught out.
I'm probably as straight as they come as a guy, I love girls, everything about them, its just that my attraction to girls translates along the way into these feelings. If theres anything i know its that this isn't some strange fetish, if i had the chance to change my physical gender, never to return, i'd take it. I've had reoccurring dreams of being a girl, both in fantasies and reliving real points in my life.At times I wake up from these dreams with tears. I have never liked the way I look and I always put myself down over my appearance and blame myself for never having gone out with a girl in my life. I absolutely hate the body i'm in.
Anyway, i feel like I'm going on too much, I'm gonna make myself stop here.
If theres i wanna get out of this its simply someone who can either relate to me or is able to sympathise with. Please don't be harsh in your replies, i don't take rejection well and being told a flat "no" in any situation hits me like a brick.
Thank you for reading my post.